What did we do before Cell Screening?
Before that came along, when the phone rang, you HAD to answer (if you were home), or get annoyed by the constant ringing and ringing and ringing (especially before answering machines).
Now, when someone calls, it's your option to decide if you want to speak with that person or not.
Maybe it's the lawyer of an ex spouse, looking for the latest support check.
Maybe it's your boss, looking for you to work extra hours (that you really don't want to work).
Maybe it's your Mother In Law (In some cases, that's reason enough not to answer).
Unfortunately, especially in the age of cell phones and voice mail, these people will catch up with you eventually (especially your Mother In Law).
That brings us to telemarketers, phone solicitors, or, as some people refer to them, leeches.
In reality, I'm sure they are very nice people who are just doing their job.
Mob Hit Men just do their job as well.
I don't know why, and my wife Nancy will yell at me when I do so, but I go out of my way to answer the phone when they call. Consider it a test of wills.
I do admit a certain pleasure in answering the phone, having a voice say "Hello, I'm looking for (insert resident name here)."
"Speaking."
"Good (Morning/Afternoon/Evening) to you (resident), I'm Biff/Buffy/Mandy/Max, calling on behalf of..."
Click.
Those words, "calling on behalf of" mean "We want money".
My hope is by constantly hanging up, someone will label me as "trouble" and take me off their list.
Occasionally, I like to play mind games with these people.
For example, from time to time I get a call from someone saying they are from a law enforecement organization, looking for a contribution.
A worthy cause, to be sure, but I'm still not giving them my credit card information.
I tell them as such, adding that "since that's what you folks tell us not to do, you understand, so send me something in the mail and I'll send you that very contribution"
I never get anything in the mail.
I like the people who I'm pretty sure are telemarketers "outsourced" from other countries trying to sound and act like they live in the United States.
There was a one season sit com on NBC a couple of years back (called "Outsourced") that parodied this, having one of the telemarketers, working in India, start speaking like a Texan.
In reality. that doesn't happen in real life. You can really tell if someone from out of country tries to sound like a resident of the USA.
Especially using a name like Biff/Buffy/Mandy/Max.
I like the ones who "read the script", and get flustered when you constantly stop them to ask questions. In most cases, they don't know what to do and STILL go back to the script as if nothing happened.
One of my favorites are the people who call and say they are from your actual city/town neighborhood, they are one of you!
Then they say things like Colony for Colonie, ALbany for ALLbany, or maybe WaterVLET for Watervliet.
You really DON'T want to know how they mess up saying Coxsackie.
It's just like shooting fish in a barrel.
I will say, there was ONE time where I actually DID buy something on the phone from a telemarketer.
This particular person was trying to sell me magazine subscriptions.
I was in an especially giddy mood, and told him "I'm sorry, I'm blind"
Yeah, I know that was wrong, but that's the lengths I will go to to get these people off my back.
Without missing a beat, the telemarketer says "Well Sir, we have a big selection of braille editions of all popular magazines."
THAT guy got my money, he earned it!
Mike Patrick
